The First Day of the Rest of My Life • 03.25.26
caution – not for the faint of heart. i’m not kidding, there is nothing funny or touristy here, just my thoughts on my breakup.
——————————————————————————–
It sounds odd for me to read that title above, given that for months, i thought Jan 17th would have been that “first day.” that was the day that Emily and i had gotten back together and had really re-committed ourselves to being better communicators and becoming the kind of couple we had both envisioned.
that initial breakup had come as a shock to me as it came right as we were already on the cusp of becoming the kind of couple i thought we could be. one with hallmarks of understanding and self-sacrifice. one where petty arguments were replaced by patient listening, and one that continued to be every bit as fun and exciting as it had been in the previous months.
well, just 5 months later i would be equally shocked. just as we were about to begin figuring out what was next for us in our lives, i was informed that we were to break up b/c she didn’t have peace. i didn’t either, yet, but thought that was what we were supposed to be discussing and looking for. my only real complaint is that in neither instance did we discuss issues or concerns prior to breaking up. we never sought counsel, never read a book, and never prayed about it together. that’s kind of dissapointing, since those are supposed to be the ways that good Christian couples address fears, issues and concerns.
i’ve never had a breakup without a fight, much less two of them in one relationship. i’ve never before had a breakup at a point where the relationship was really starting to get stronger and more wonderful. i’ve certainly never had someone start a breakup by saying “pookie, i think we need to break up.” but i guess all of that is a big step forward.
obviously, hurt and substantial confusion have been the themes for me since that day. i struggle to understand how and why this could happen, and it daily tests my faith. if you’re reading my blog, then you probably already know this (and i appreciate all of your prayers and support), and so, the only real reason i post this is b/c the blog captured many of the highlights of our relationship, i figured it should also capture the demise.
so here i sit, made ambivalent by contrasting desires….one to see her find peace, and to have us embrace OUR future, and one to move on under the assumption that she will never find that peace with me (or about me while without me), and fighting to vanquish a profound sadness deep within.
regardless of how my life turns out, i’m certain that june 27 will turn out to be a seminal day for me, and truly the first day of the rest of my life.
on a positive note, i finally feel like i’m getting pretty close to exactly where i need to be and that’s pretty exciting. i’d like to thank both my small group, and Emily for enabling the changes that i’ve been able to see in my character and in my actions. also, i should say, the last 14 months have been the absolute best of my life, and i was touched by every kindness (both big and little) along the way. plus, i tend to have a relatively amazing ability to bounce, and i tend to begin each new relationship completely full of hope and with little to no thought of the hurts of the past, so i guess eventually i’ll be ok.
now, on with the show. my favorite poem since i was about 12 (and yes i’ve had a favorite poem since i was 12, but i could also probably kick your ass, so remember that before you mock me) was by Longfellow. it resonated with me from the very first time i read it, and in the last few hours i keep thinking about the last stanza, so i’m plopping the poem in here. (and on a complete tangent, someone long ago had this framed for me – probably the most thoughtful gift i have ever received in my life.)
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream ! —
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
Life is real ! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal ;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way ;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.
Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle !
Be a hero in the strife !
Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant !
Let the dead Past bury its dead !
Act,— act in the living Present !
Heart within, and God o’erhead !
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate ;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
i guess i’ll be learning to labor and to wait.
aaaand if anybody feels like reading what i wrote the morning after the breakup click this link and knock yourself out.
